i would be on a train for the rest of my life.

i would get off to hear the music in the vineyards.

i would stare through the window from lombardy to calabria and the sun wouldn't set until i stepped off somewhere in the green heart, somewhere in those glittering hills, where i could look up and see eternity.

i would go to new mexico and live in an hermitage with a wood stove and a bag of rice for as long as i needed to.

i would find something there. i would awaken something strong and real within me.

i would run with wild horses. i would be one of them for a moment.

the eastern seaboard is lit aflame at 0630. twilight sets the ocean on fire and then the sun rises.

the same thing happens to the rocco maggiore in the mornings. engulfed in flamelike light.

two of the most beautiful sights i've ever witnessed.

southern california is burning.

i would tramp through cobblestone streets in europe. i would wander long stretches of lonely american highway.

i would pick up traces of the languages of the places i would go. i would know my latin roots like the back of my hand.

i would do all of this while i am young.

i would consider all of this necessary. more necessary than any formal education. right now i cannot be convinced of anything else.

at night the sky lays down against the eastern seaboard in baby pink and blue. it evens out into solid grey by 6.

i would accept anything anyplace had to offer because i am nineteen, i would be twenty. i would consider all of this necessary. i would consider every experience necessary.

i would want everything. i would not want anything.

i would never presume to claim to know what i want for my future. i do not want to know what lies there. i want to go in search of it, i want it to happen naturally.

i will outline nothing.

i will do self-destructive things now, while i am young. i will pay for it when i'm older but in no way will i be ashamed. i will wear wrinkles and scars as badges. i will accept these as honors. i will accept these honors and no others.

i will understand that i should regret nothing.

i will understand that people are sometimes trustworthy. i will understand that people sometimes are willing to help you.

i will be neither optimistic nor pessimistic. i will be realistic and i will find ambition and hope inside of me.

i will never stop believing in truth and beauty.

i will accept myself.

i am reserved and observant. i will no longer try to force myself into any other roles.

i will see good in the things around me.

i will not let bad poison my soul with its cancer. it will not spread inside of me any further.

i will care about my life and not the world.

i will not lose my mind for grief of what cannot be solved or changed.

i will be calm.

i would go to the ocean. and there it is.




also i will not be eaten by a sea monster goddammit.